Truly Madly Susan

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Aug 7

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

(Source: bellecs)

Aug 5

superlinguo:

tastefullyoffensive:

Name Improvements for Everyday Stuff [x]

Reblogging because these new names for everyday stuff are bringing some LOLs to our weekend.

The creative names above are reminding us of the awesome power of the compound word - most of the new names offered here are compound words (with a notable exception being the cute portmanteau ‘porksicle’). 

Compound words are great. Why feel restricted by using words on their own? Combine them and feel the power of a new, compounded word! 

We classify a compound word as a word which is composed of more than one free morpheme

In linguistic morphology, we make the distinction between a bound morpheme as a morpheme (the smallest grammatical unit in a language) that appears only as part of a larger word, whereas free or unbound morpheme is one that can stand alone. A compound word brings together previously ‘free’ or separate words, and bam, a new word is created.

Generally, an English compound word consists of a ‘head’ (e.g. moose) and a ‘modifier’ (e.g. sand, denoting what type of moose it is). 

We can get very creative in English with compound words - they can use nouns, verbs, adjectives, prepositions and adverbs. And they can be hyphenated (e.g. mother-in-law), closed (e.g. football, childlike) or open (e.g. real estate). 

Compound words demonstrate the flexibility and malleability of language - if you can’t find a word that fits, put two (or more) others together and you’re all set. 

bubonickitten:

…did i just witness a three-way crossover

yes

yes i did

(Source: lebaratheon)

corinnestark:

sharipep:

Marge is such a great mom

She gets it. 

(Source: sandandglass)

7/19/14: Green Thumb Toews

(Source: darthtulip)

Jul 6

rincewitch:

it’s your father’s friendlock. this is the weapon of a livejournalist. not as clumsy or as random as a personal tumblr, but a more elegant weapon for a more civilized age. for years, the livejournalists were the guardians of idiotic blog drama and fandom pornography in the galaxy. before the dark times, before tumblr                    

kickassfanfic:

jhameia:

2damnfeisty:

crystaltokyogorepolice:

teenagemutantnegroturtle:

ask-aphsiberia:

mr-pond-parties-in-the-impala:

cosbyykidd:

It’s worked for white people, I figured I might as well give it a shot.

GET THIS GUY TO DISNEY WORLD DAMN IT

I want you to go man!

if this was a white girl this would have had the notes 3 weeks ago

People are sending him racist messages telling him it’s not gonna happen and he doesn’t belong in Disney World over this post. So we’re gonna reblog it even more.

To all my followers, please reblog. cosbyykidd imma add this to my queue, we gon’ get yo ass to Disney. lmao

BOOOOOOST 

Followers, please note: I am going to reblog this every time it shows up on my dash. EVERY. TIME. I’m gonna tag it #cosbyykidd goes to Disney but I would really encourage you to boost it because why the heck not? We can get him a million five in a matter of DAYS. Make it happen!

kickassfanfic:

jhameia:

2damnfeisty:

crystaltokyogorepolice:

teenagemutantnegroturtle:

ask-aphsiberia:

mr-pond-parties-in-the-impala:

cosbyykidd:

It’s worked for white people, I figured I might as well give it a shot.

GET THIS GUY TO DISNEY WORLD DAMN IT

I want you to go man!

if this was a white girl this would have had the notes 3 weeks ago

People are sending him racist messages telling him it’s not gonna happen and he doesn’t belong in Disney World over this post. So we’re gonna reblog it even more.

To all my followers, please reblog. cosbyykidd imma add this to my queue, we gon’ get yo ass to Disney. lmao

BOOOOOOST 

Followers, please note: I am going to reblog this every time it shows up on my dash. EVERY. TIME. I’m gonna tag it #cosbyykidd goes to Disney but I would really encourage you to boost it because why the heck not? We can get him a million five in a matter of DAYS. Make it happen!

unamusedsloth:

Cats can be bros sometimes.

Reblogging for the sculpted N flag.

hottea4hotties:

This will never not make me laugh

hottea4hotties:

This will never not make me laugh

(Source: topfunnystuff)